A Cloud and Daisy

Daisy Daisy Daisy

Daisy preschool. It's really a strange place. I too often use Burning man as a reference, but in this case, I think it's really apt. The preschool is a hodge podge of so many different ideas and constructions... it's pretty crazy, crazy like an art camp in the middle of a desert in Nevada. What is cool is that most of the structures are well built. They just don't really tallk or relate to each other.. so it's a bit too chaotic.

I guess this is my first project. Woohoo! When I talked to Eva, it seems like there's a lot of things that she wants to have done. I'm just going to focus on the shade structure. It's nice because she is totally open to it.

Given: chaos... I'm just going to go with it.

Materials: Plastic bottles: can be a rain catching device... It can be very beautiful.
Bamboo: make a basket in the sky.
Wood: boooooooring!
Trees, on wheels!

Floor: recycled rubber. Its going to be expensive...
wood chip. is always fun.
Drainage system needs to be figured out for the floor.

The kids are going to be painting with maybe 6 or so easils. Parents can have functions afterwards.. a party of sorts. That would be fun too. So the shade structure should be something light, and something sturdy instead of temporary.

Lie and Manipulate

So I flipped through 5 different kinds of office politics books today at the book store. This is what I got out of it... and it's what I need to become an expert at in order to survive in this place.

Lie and Manipulate... and stop being an asshole when I get stressed out.

The asshole thing is pretty crazy.... When I get overwhelmed, all of the sudden everyone around me become dumb bricks... Immobile, useless, and needy. I end up attacking the nicest people... people who I really really like. That's really not cool. So I need to chill out and stop feeling like I have to do it all.... My mom told me that when it gets that bad, I should just give-it-up.

I think that my boss is dumb when she's freaking out. It's hard for me to do what she tells me to do when she's freaking out and being irrational. I just look at her like, 'You're dumb and freaked out.' This is why I get fired from jobs.

lie and manipulate.... Hrm. I think what that means is that I can get better at predicting, or thinking about what the other person wants. People who are dense, and can't realize what the other person want, is definately dumb to me.

Stretch Yourself More

What Eliza said is ringing to me over and over again. It is an advice that her financial counselor of sorts had given her when Eliza and Ian were trying to buy a house. I can only imagine the weight of the committment.

I admire them, because they seem to be moving forward, just fine. They are facing their tough challenges in life, and truking forward, so good for them.

I've been thinking a lot, lately about when I used to be a teenager. High school was an isolating and lonely existance. My best friend, My Linh and I would talk a lot on the phone, much like right now. My mother prohibited me from going out at night, and even to go see movies or goto the mall, or even to have a job. It really was a grim existance. Just me and my homework. It's not like it was bad. It's not like I knew anything else, any other way of being.

That's why college was a lot of fun. Doing everything that I wouldn't have done before. Stretcing beyond my elements. After college was definately my funnest time.

Right now, it's not the funnest time of my life.

Just go forward.


******
Man, last night's show was shocking.... Shockingly bad. I'm sorry Sila, but you were cute 3 years ago, and you're just a bit sad now. His songs were sad. I never thought Afro beat could be depressing.

It was a site of a man who was too tired. Who couldn't put in any more effort. When the will is lost, it seems like that's what happens. I wish I could just slap him into cognition, it seemed like he wanted help. So endearing.

One good thing about the show was this guy who was dancing in the front. A man who can dance is a good site. The moves that he had were really inspiring. He was definately a drummer. His body moved with every beat instead of swaying with the rhythm. It's really too bad that he's into waspy girls. Seeing him, makes me wish I was a man. I bet I can do what he can, with a lot of fun.

But oh well... I guess I'm a woman. A thick woman.

Dream

I had a dream last night. I havn't dreamt in a long time. In the dream, I was in a dark water, swimming with some people. All of the sudden this huge snake slithered passed me, and I stopped. The snake wrapped its body around me and opened its mouth. I felt its fang around my foot, and I was terrified. My body stiffened. My first instinct was to kick back and push away the snake. The snake had completely wrapped around me, and it wouldn't have taken much for it to cause major injury to me. So I relaxed my body. The fangs around my foot just nicked my foot, and had retreated. The snake wanted to be friends with me.

It's too soon for revenge.

I've burnt a bridge yesterday already. Yelled at the head waitress who was the daughter of the owners of the restaurant that I worked at. I doubt that they will want me back. Me-> emotionally unstable, emotionally imature. She seemed like she was really stressed out and tired.

I am so angry right now, I feel like I need to take a bat and break things. I think I'm going to wear jogging shoes to work from now on and go running during lunch break.

I found the most beautiful place in Chinatown today. A small park hidden away. Within the park, you feel like you are ontop of a roof. That you are up in the sky with other sky scrapers. At the edge of the park, it feels like you can jump off and land onto another roof top. Or maybe fly into a cloud.

Chinatown is so magnificintly beautiful.. I love seeing the colorful clothing stringing along the rooftops. Urban domesticity brings color to the drab and sterile cityscape. I stepped outside of my building and took a good look at it from the park across the street. And I thought, 'Oh, is that what I am in every day?' So bland, and so plain. All the windows are square, and the tower loomed next to other ugly sky scrapers.

I don't know why I was so surprised to see the building. Maybe it's because when I'm inside the office, the office is inevitably an interior. The inside of something. And I am looking outward to these magnificintly framed views of San Francisco. The outside seems so dramatic, and exciting. The container that I am in, must be something grand to hold such sites.

From the large picture windows I watch the stormy clouds cascade over hills of buildings. I notice the swarms of pigeons that swim through the alley ways that the beat poets used to hang out in. The swarm move like a beast, breathing heavily. The city is wild and dirty and old.

At 5 o'clock, I was out again. This time, being part of the alleys in Chinatown. Walking like a ghost, feeling quite invisible like the tower that I am always in. Bawling, feeling so sorry for myself. Wishing that someone would just surprise me and cut my throat.

Instead of turning the knife inward, I have to turn it outward. And my weapon? My weapon is patience, my weapon is my feet that can run, my hands that can create things, and my heart that can feel. It's all a lesson... and it hurts.

Happy Happy Happy

Aaron yesterday had told us, Ruchama, Amy and I his resolution. It was impressive to me that he had put sincerety and reflection into this event: the passing of 2007.

Like Aaron I wanted to have a resolution for the new year. But I had my big lesson not too long ago, and I have my small challenge.

So instead, I want to spend today, the first day of the new year to reflect back on the old.

Wednesday, was plain, if khaki can be a flavor for ice cream.
Thurseday, was raining. was cold.
Friday, a day of friendships, and a lesson for preciousness, or the lack there of.
Saturday, a day of exhaustion. A day of working again.
Sunday, a day of preparedness. A day of shopping, and stealing.
Monday, a day of frustration. A day of liberation and being a kid again.
Tuesday, is today. A day of expectation.