All About Love - New Visions

by bell hooks.

well, the book is easy read.  I'm about half way through, and the first couple of chapters gave me a cringe.  Some are worth it, and had given me some things to experiment with on my daily life.

'New Vision' is probably questionable.  I'm not sure if anything that she's proposing is new.  A vision for sure, optimist, yes.

Can't Trust Emotions

I had been crying, almost daily for the last two months.  The best one was on an 8 mile run.  It was the day after I ran 14 miles for the Oakland Marathon practice run.  Childhood memories and emotions welled up - and I was balling, even almost whimpering as I ran around [lake] Merritt.  I was thinking about my father mostly - the haunting figure in my life for the past years.  I tweeted - 8 miles of confusion.  Adrenaline?

I cried this morning again.  Sitting at my desk, staring at my computer.  - Nope, I'm not depressed.  I'm just confused.  Pretty happy with my life - unsettling feeling of standing on a level landing, half way to the top, but forgotten where the top is.  Ready for a change.

I am studying men folks.  Besides what came with my life - my older brother, younger brother, father and grand father, my current life had been bleak.  No men in my life.  Because 35 year old brain loves risk taking and experiences that is new and scary - I wanted to jump into the dating scene.  It's been interesting, and now I'm perched on a landing.

Yesterday this guy told me that he had broken up with this girl that he was dating.  The details are a little gross.  I had initially thought she was 19.  But she's actually 18.  She wanted to sleep with him - really badly, I guess.  So he (39 year old) did.  He said that he had immediately fallen in love with her.  I roll my eyes at this.  He was crushed, when after two weeks of courtship, the relationship had ended.

My 35 year old female brain can't validate a 2 week courtship as anything more than 'dating', and the 'love' that he felt as anything more than a physical desire.  Why do I feel this way?  My 35 year old female heart takes a long time to get over disappointments and pain from relationships - and its this pain that leads me to decide to take a different course of action in the future.  I am not sure if that is something that would happen here with him.

I just don't think we're speaking the same language.  What I learned here:  I guess this is how some menfolks work - they fall in 'love' after sex.  My brain computes the whole package of the man including: us-future-ness.  The whole package contributes to the man's attractiveness - and would then decide to or not to get involved.  I kind of expect the man to hold up his bargain, but that can't be counted on.  They can be foolish and want a 'relationship' doomed for failure.  Like a 39 year old dating an 18 year old.  Burden is on the girl to cut the tie, the bull shit.

I'm reviving this blog

5 years later - I stand at the same place again.

Unemployed

What do you do when you find yourself unemployed?

If you're like me, and you barely break the daily bread on your regular pay check, then you find that your unemployment check isn't worth much. Even tho it's nice to have something. So you have to find different ways to make cash.

AD mire

Variations on Normal by Dominic Wilcox - He's got some funny ideas...

Yesterday

A dime a dozen.

Today

I woke up because I had to wake up.
Because the dishes needed to be cleaned and the laundry needed to be done.
I woke up because my mom called me on my cell phone.
I woke up because of the things that I had to do.... Otherwise, it would have been ok by me if time had stopped and carved a big axis on my shoulder blade.

I went out tonight.
I went out with this beautiful woman.
Everytime we go out, it turns out to be an adventure. I am the bad one, she is the pretty one. We would end up in someone's car, at someone's party, on someone's tab.
We played pool with this guy Charlie. He had the soft touch - so sexy. A good mid-western guy from Chicago. The marriage type, we agreed.

We were outside after the bar closed. She snuggled up to me, and put her head on my shoulder and looked down as Charlie talked to me about hanging out. I don't know why he was talking to me and not her. I told him that he should give her his phone number. She took his number, and we said good bye to him.

I looked at her, so close to me and so sweet. I wanted to kiss her. But that didn't happen. Magic. For another time.