Shameless

The Good, the Bad.... and the Ugly
Why shameless can be good, and not so good.

'Shameless'. What does it mean to be shameless? It means that you're embarassing, that you lack pride, and you don't care about what other people may think. So therefore, 'fearless' and innocent ignorance may also fall into the same category. No?

Shameless can be good, for the active do'ers who wants to get shit started. For those people who jump into things and figure out later. If you're shameless, you're probably a bit more interesting than the usual boring crowd. You may be more shocking, more humble, more funny than other people. Breaking the social protocol, too is shameless. But that can also be good sometimes. For example, inviting yourself over to an exclusive party, can be shameful, but what they hey, no parties should be exclusive unless if it's gendered. I think the underlying intention is the important part. As long as you can explain yourself afterwards, it's all ok.

Here are example of good shamelessness.

-When my friend shamelessly invited herself over to a fishing event, and had hooked up with the boy that she loves.
-When my friends and I shamelessly took over a classroom in our school, just for the three of us, just because we needed to lounge and chit chat.
http://www.shamelessmag.com/

Shameless is bad, because it shows a disregard of the public view, and can be immature. Shameless is bad, because it means that you were brought up with bad parenting. Any act that would leave your friends to talk behind your back afterwards... is pretty much bad.

Here are examples of bad shamelessness.
-Drinking a 40 on the streets of New York City with a friend who doesn't do any kind of drinking.
-Chasing after a boy who's clearly not interested in you. (that's more pathetic than shameless)
-Eating out of a trashcan.
-Puking in the middle of Chinatown, in the middle of walking across a crosswalk.

Shameless is ugly... because it is.
-Walking around without having had a shower in three days... There's really no excuse, no excuse at all that can let this happen.

TV Reality Shows that I'd Consider Signing up for...

Can somebody nominate me please?

TLC: http://tlc.discovery.com/broadband/makeover-train/makeover-train.html
-$5000 worth of new clothes, but they're mean stylists.

The Biggest Loser: http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/
-lose a lot of pounds, and then get a lot of money.

How Do I Look?:http://www.stylenetwork.com/BeonTV/HowDoILook/index.html
-another fashion make over.

Inked: http://www.aetv.com/inked/
-get a tatoo

Project Runway: http://www.bravotv.com/Project_Runway/index.php
-its all fashion all the time

Black Friday

I went up to Twin Peaks today. I saw the moon shining over San Francisco on one side, and the red sun dipping into the Ocean on the other side.

It was so fucking beautiful it made me cry.

I am still soooo naive.

jerk

some people only feel better when they can control other people. some people feel better when they feel like they are above other people. some people are jerks. some people call only to fight. jerk. i hate people who take things too personally. i hate people who don't have their own boundaries straight. i hate people who always think that it's all about them.

how am i going to deal with them? she's not much of a friend to have. she's just a bit fucked up. i can have better friends. someone who would be nice to me. someone who would make me feel better.

11.20.07

November 19th, 2007

In many ways, this is a significant day. Because I've survived one of my worst week.. and also because I'm currently experiencing an epiphay, as we speak. Also, it's 71 days until I'm 30. And so all of that combined together makes today a special day.

Unbelievable that my first REAL job I had, I got laid off after working there for a measly month and a half.

Unbelievable that that same week, I had a heart break-a tiny one that really was more than what it was.

Unbelievable that that same week, my dad told me never to talk to him again.

Unbelievable. I've gotten this far without having had a real job... I mean, I'm almost 30, and I'm still not doing the REAL job thing....

Keep the idealism, shed the naivety. Work on stability, keep the exploration and freedom. And always enjoy yourself.... What am I going to do when I turn 30?

Invisible.org

Here's a sonic history of the toxic land that is Cali~fornia.
http://invisible5.org/

There's an audio clip that you can download and listen to on your way between SF and LA.
I'm going to download the part about West Oakland right now and listen to it.
It's an interview of locals. It's nice having KALX streaming behind it.

ALSO: $1 Bus Ride between SF and LA
http://www.megabus.com/us/

I hope that I could do this kind of thing even after I get employed full time. ugh, not looking forward to that, but I hope that the next place is going to be more creative, more fun, more energy with young people. I'm going to enjoy this time that I have for now and keep exploring, keep trying to find what I'm good at.

A Silly Theory of Mine

I'm hanging out with a great friend of mine, Emerson. We are so similar, and look so alike, we are more like kin than our actual brothers and sisters. My actual family are special, and irreplaceable, but Emerson's an aquired brother. We even bicker like brother and sister. I'm trying to work on it, so that I understand how NOT to get into fights with him. I owe him a great deal of compassion and friendship. Meena too, have said the same about him... that he's a great friend. I hope that he knows that I really appreciate him, and think that he is very special.

Sometimes I feel really alone in the world. This feeling of being alone, I don't know where it comes from. I think it comes from the need to be more self-sufficient. It's like growing up. The feeling comes with desperation and depression. When I'm overworked, when I'm underworked. When I can't feel like I could relate to my environments. When I'm so tense and anxious that I can't play with my friends. Ugh, it's embarassing when I get that way, too serious to be funny, too funny to be anything else.

I feel like one of those Chinese workers... just a number in a sea of workers. Nothing special. hmmm..

On the 11th day of Unemployment~

Well, nothing really happened that's special. But however, I'm freaking out a little less.

I'm looking for a job, working on my thesis (Which I'm going to get done next week, on Friday), and would really like to make a furry wooden chair in three weeks. Hopefully I can get my shit together by then.

I hate being in this predicament. I'm making it an excuse to behave badly.

I hate the idea that I'm not special. I have to work. I have to become smarter.

I don't like who I've become. I'm not proud of my reflections in the pictures. It's too bad.

Some people look the way they did in high school. I am...

Knoend

Last night, 11.16.07 was Knoend's opening at 427 Bryant St. They featured products designed by Ahmed and his friend Ivy and her husband. Ivy and her hubby have a company named Knoend.

They have products that take into consideration the material a lot.. So questions like 'where it's been, how was it made, what happens to it, and where does it go' gets factored into the design itself. It's pretty cool.

So, the lite 2go, encorporates the packaging as a major component of the light itself.

Other cool products included a Carlo Rossi jug that as cut, and then became a floor lamp.
Another thing is a biodegradeable flower vase that looks like a flower pot.

This is very beautiful, and I hope that one day I can do something like this with my friends. I want to reasearch crazy materials and think about ways to cut cost, cut material, and make beautiful things.

knoend

http://www.knoend.com/index.htm

We went to this show where the designers made products that had incorporated recycling and life cycle of the material directly into the design itself.

Some cool things were things like...

A hanging light where the packaging of the light fixcture was a major part of the light itself.

A Carlo Rossi jug that had been cut and became a light stand for a low to the ground light fixture.

A bio-degradeable flower vase that looked more like a flower pot.

It seemed like they put a lof of thought into the material themselvs, as well as into the design. It's really cool. I would really like to do something that they are doing... The whole idea of recycled plasstic bottle T-shirts are just a whole lot of fun. This is also an ideal way to work... which seems like it's mostly play.

I think that some things could become a little bit more streamlined. The designs could go for another couple rounds of iterations and I think it would be great.

Heather Gold at Luscious Garage

The event this evening was a 'talk show' at an auto mechanic shop, Luscious Garage. It's a cute idea so I thought I'd check it out. It's an adventure of sorts.

I think the greatest thing about tonight's event was of course the energy that it generated, and how much the viewers were interested in the topic. People were calling out from the audience, participating in the 'talk show.'

So the guests were good too. A Black woma comedian, she was awesome. The Stanford Law Professor who's also the founder of Common Ground, and this woman, Beth... ugh, I guess she's a marketing guru of sorts.

They all talked about earnesty, and the lack there of in America. It was actually nice for me to hear these things from these people. They were exactly the sort of thing that I was feeling. The conversation remained on an abstract level, which is not good. They need to bring it down to specifics, and also people were too timid to be fiesty in the 'talk'. Even boring Berkeley seminars sometimes have more critical discussion. I hate it when people are too agreeable.

anyway, i'm tired... so more on this tomorrow

Play

play (plā) v., played, play·ing, plays.
v.intr.

To occupy oneself in amusement, sport, or other recreation: children playing with toys.
To take part in a game: No minors are eligible to play.
To participate in betting; gamble.
To act in jest or sport: They're not arguing in earnest, they're just playing.
To deal or behave carelessly or indifferently; toy. See synonyms at flirt.
To behave or converse sportively or playfully.
To act or conduct oneself in a specified way: play fair; an investor who plays cautiously.
To act, especially in a dramatic production.
Music.
To perform on an instrument: play on an accordion.
To emit sound or be sounded in performance: The band is playing.
To be performed, as in a theater or on television: A good movie is playing tonight.
To be received or accepted: a speech that played poorly with the voters.
To move or seem to move quickly, lightly, or irregularly: The breeze played on the water.
To function or discharge uninterruptedly: The fountains played in the courtyard.
To move or operate freely within a bounded space, as machine parts do.v.tr.
To perform or act (a role or part) in a dramatic performance.
To assume the role of; act as: played the peacemaker at the meeting.
To perform (a theatrical work) on or as if on the stage.
To present a theatrical performance in (a given place): The company played Detroit last week.
To pretend to be; mimic the activities of: played cowboy; played the star.
To engage in (a game or sport): play hockey; play chess.
To compete against in a game or sport.
To occupy or work at (a position) in a game: Lou Gehrig played first base.
To employ (a player) in a game or position: Let's play her at first base.
To use or move (a card or piece) in a game: play the ace of clubs
To hit (a ball, shot, or stroke), as in tennis: played a strong backhand.
To attempt to keep or gain possession or control of: No foul was called because he was playing the ball.
To bet; wager: played ten dollars on the horse.
To make bets on: play the races.
To perform or put into effect, especially as a jest or deception: play a joke on a friend.
To handle; manage: played the matter quietly.
To use or manipulate, especially for one's own interests: played his opponents against each other.


The performance of such a work.
Activity engaged in for enjoyment or recreation.
Fun or jesting: It was all done in play.
The act or manner of engaging in a game or sport: After a time-out, play resumed. The golf tournament featured expert play.
The act or manner of using a card, piece, or ball in a game or sport: my partner's play of the last trump; his clumsy play of the rebound.
A move or an action in a game: It's your play. The runner was thrown out in a close play.
Participation in betting; gambling.
Manner of dealing with others; conduct: fair play.
An attempt to obtain something; a bid: a play for sympathy.
Action, motion, or use: the play of the imagination.
Freedom or occasion for action; scope: give full play to an artist's talents. See synonyms at room.
Movement or space for movement, as of mechanical parts.
Quick, often irregular movement or action, especially of light or color: the play of color on iridescent feathers.

Poetry and Social Activism

With social activism comes a parade of optimism and hidden reality. The projects in Rural Studio are beautiful, visionary, amazing, what people don't want to mention is that they don't always work.

Green Cities, Brown Folks

November 14th, 6-8pm Free

Lake Merritt United Methodist Church1330 Lakeshore Ave., Oakland
RSVP: greencities@ellabakercenter.org

Speakers are Babak Tondre (Dig City Cooperative), Jason Harvey (Oakland Food Connection), Van Jones: "Green For All"

I wonder if this event is going to be a small thing, with a total of twenty people, with maybe two non-Black people. One being me.

I'll see how it goes.. I think my biggest bet is in Dig City Cooperative. They seem to be doing interesting things.

By the way, why is it that most architecture non-profit organizations are pretty bland? They don't seem to be doing much. The projects are skim, the outreach is skim, the contact with the public is, again, skim, and there's very little challenging of the system.

The newsletters that these organizations publish are so uninteresting. How can this change? What are architects who are interested in social justice interested in knowing?

Emotional Dynamite

I'm sick. Emotionaly sick. Can't really do anything about it, just wait til it gets better, I suppose. Kind of really sensitive, and scared of getting hurt again... so I'm feeling like I really don't want to see anybody today.

The key point in falling, is to start running before you hit the ground. To take it literally, I am going to go running today when I get back. Metaphorically, I'm going to set up plans to meet with people for other days. I'm going to apply to other jobs. I'm going to dream about this art project that I'm working on. I'm going to dream of a better life.

Meanwhile, all this emotional turmoil is making me learn something about myself.

I think I want to create things with people so that I can have an emotional connection with them. Which is beautiful. I also want to make beautiful things, and bring joy to people. I want to be appreciated for this act.

That's why I'm an installation artist.... because I want to create events, ephemeral moments that can be shared with people... and is succesful when there are others to be shared with. That's why I draw, because it's about making beautiful objects.

Emotional connection.

It's one of the most abstract thing ever. It's not something that can be easily described, documented, recreated, planned, or fabricated. It's something that happens when you are open. It's part of 'play'. 'Playing' is about seeing the possibility in things and people. When I meet people, I can visualize how to play with them.

Alameda

The USS Hornet in Alameda. 6.30am.11.03.07

Motorcycle training 101.

Objective: how to succeed in something you don't know anything about!

So this is pretty straight forward.... You just have to do what the man says. Basically.

-Find a good motorcycle-one that you can comfortably sit both feet flat on the ground with.
-Be confident. Don't be afraid. Relaxation allows you to think.
-Listen to directions. If they want you to raise your hand, just raise your hand.
-Getting comfortable with the bike... takes trials - and so you just have to keep moving. Don't expect to get comfortable right away, and also the first couple of tutorials aren't going to be under your belt a hundred percent... which is fine.
-Focus, and really try to learn.
-Focus. Don't be afraid of the bike... be a little bit more aggressive than than your comfort level allows you to be... this is how you push youself.
-Ask questions, be engaged with other students, make friends.
-A little of it, too of course is trying to please the instructor. If you get along with that person.


*I always feel like I don't have enough 'past' experiences, or preparations for challenges... I always am resentful that my parents aren't architects or artists like my cool classmates. I feel like if they were artists or architects, then I would have been exposed to the things that I'm interested in much earlier and become better at it. These are things that I can not change. BUT, it turns out.. most of the things that people acquire, skill wise, is on the job... through actually trying to do it. I'm discovering that it's not much about preparation as it is about strategizing, or having a good work ethic, or really, just doing it. Classes are great, because they give you strategies. In other places, you have to develop your own strategies.

I can succeed in something that I don't have any clue about... with good teaching... so I need to seek teachers out.

The assortments of motorcycles were...

Honda Nighthawk, 250cc, which is known to be a starter bike. Honda Rebel, which is a bit smaller. Yamaha Eliminator, Honda Ninja... God, who named these? They have such terrible names.


Growing pain.

An image of myself with my two confidants, taken five years ago, superimposed to a reflection of myself now. What has changed? It seems like not much has changed... I am still naive. I feel somewhat more alone now than before. Because of more responsibility?