Happiness

I listened to the TED podcast on Happiness by Barry Schwartz and glanced over a book on Happiness by, "I-forgot-who-the-author-was".  Happiness is something that most people seek out - it's something that I had been pondering about - BECAUSE - the definition is super nebulous.

When I graduated in 2007, I asked all of my classmates what they want out of their lives.  We were freshly beginning on a new venture, new life.  So it was time for new goal setting.  Every single one of them had answered the same thing - "to be happy".  So this is the goal that each one of them had, that was the beacon of their aspirations.  It's the exact same aspiration, but the outcome was so different in everyone.  One girl had worked for a world renowned landscape architect (and killed her self for it, not literally), one worked for a world renowned architect, another became unemployed FOREVER, another got herself into a committed relationship and quit her job... another moved back home with her parents... But they all wanted 'happiness'. It's not like they answered - 'I want to get a job', 'I want a hubby', 'I want...'

So what is happiness?  I know when I'm unhappy - for sure.  It's like worrying about rent, worrying about your parents, worrying about your future, about disliking where you live, disliking the coffee you're drinking, being in pain from a disease, pain from break-up.  And I'm pretty sure that I can make myself happy in any given situation with effort.

Happiness - if easy, is just a state of mind.  If difficult, is unattainable.  It's pretty easy to make yourself content with the given situation.  It's easy to give-up, and be happy with being a ho-bum.  What's difficult is to change things that's making you unhappy (and this is probably the wrong way to go).

So Barry Schwartz said that having too many choices paralyzes you.  And although you may end up with a better solution after searching for the best, you end up being less satisfied, less happy.  He talked about searching for a pair of jeans, and the whole ordeal he had to go through.  He ended up with the best fitting pair of jeans EVER, but was soooooo not thrilled about it.

I don't know, I DON'T buy what he's saying.  I am compelled to DISAGREE.  I feel like the things that I appreciate the most are things that had a journey, traces, and effort to get.  I like to work for it.  But, I guess I love labor.  I think the thing is in the grey zone.  Somewhere in-between.  I don't want to kill myself to get to the goals, but I'd have to try, and also be happy trying, be happy with the doing, the labor.

This is what Eleanor Roosevelt said about happiness:

“Happiness is not a goal...it's a by-product of a life well lived.”

My mantra this year is "I'm ok, you're ok".  Usually I'm freaking out about stupid shit.  My acupuncturist clairvoyant friend, Ms. C read my i-Ching a long time ago.  The gua was the Chinese character for 'breathe'.

I just emailed my friend in Hong Kong this morning.
"a.  My artwork is shit.
    b.  My architecture is shit.
    c.  But I'm super happy right now.  "
I don't know where this sense of happiness is coming from - because I haven't felt so scattered and in-pieces for a long time, and so many uncompleted goals... BUT...

School Night

It's Afrolicious and DJ Rai at the Elbow Room tonight!  Let's go! weeeeeeeeee~  

http://www.elbo.com/Calendar.php

More Advice on How to Proceed with Dating

"There's nothing wrong with sleeping around if what you want to do is sleep around. If what you want to do is build a relationship it's likely to get in the way in a big way unless you and the person you meet and click with want to do some poly thing. People like to talk about this but there really aren't many people who can do connection/intimacy at the same time as they're doing a sleep around merry go round. 
Didn't sound to me like you wanted that kind of thing so that leaves, generally speaking, two ways of going: one is date/sleep around, maybe have a few you see semi regularly, maybe not. There's plenty of sex and different fun and/or interesting dates to be had. If that's what you want go and get it. THe thing is though is that we only have so much time and energy and our spreading our time and sexual attention around means, at best, a real limit on potential depth of connection: being up front means the other person will likely be doing the same and have less time and space for you. Keeping it quiet means even less connection and the potential of someone feeling mislead as generally monogamy is assumed, at least after a few times.

Again, if what you want is adventure, go for it! But what you've implied is that you want more, including a child. For most people that means focusing on someone and building a connection with them. When you were at my house you and I and Eliza talked about a guy you're dating that you already know "isn't good for you" is what you said. So I think you should move on. There are plenty of people out there. What I've mostly done is go out on a few dates and if it feels right, go for it. Men and women of various demographics play by all sorts of rules, fairly and unfairly, Im not being moralistic more practical. There' only some much time and we all only have so much emotional space and energy. I think if you wan to get involved with someone it makes more sense to focus on one at a time. Spend time with them, sleep with them, ask for what you want, see if you like or can deal with what they want, see if you like them and feel like they appreciate you. Maybe it will stick, maybe you find you don't like them or want different things, maybe you feel more like a friend and not like a lover, who knows? 
I think I can speak generally for most straight guys in Saying that if a woman is dating around we're not going to take her seriously and will be out doing as much of that as we can too. We might like her, maybe even love her, and be nice and giving to some degree but not really invest much. If we've shown up with some sincere intention and it turns out she's been checking us out while still playing the field we're hurt and it may be a deal breaker.

So Leiko if you want to date around do it and have fun. If want more/deeper then go out on dates until you find one worth checking out and give them a shot for a few months. If it's not right your motor will still be warm to jump back in.

I think all this starts with you being really clear about what you want."

JOB POSTING

"We're Hiring. And how. Know a good writer in #SF? Give us a shout: inhk.us/ZrQbel" a job posting for a writer, a self-starter...  if my grammar was any good....

RFP QUEEN'S WAY PROPOSAL

I am so dying to do this....  my heart rings with visions of a relic in New York.

http://www.archdaily.com/343714/request-for-proposals-queensway-project/?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

Date With a Lawyer

So he's a few years younger than me, a lawyer/attorney, real estate broker, slum lord, cute boy.  Sounds like a power house.  A year ago he was wearing a suit on his profile picture, said that he was only into casual dating, yet all the questions he answered on OKC were marriage related questions.  I asked him what he was looking for, and he didn't have a straight answer.  This guy sounded like a hot mess.  Of course that had intrigued me about him, but not enough to do anything about it.

Recently we reconnected.  So we met up on Sunday.

I asked what was the hardest thing that he had to over come in his life...  and he said it was a break-up.  He said that people in their 40's to 60's could have a divorce, and the females can bounce back, but that kind of thing can debilitate men.  Make them unable to function in other parts of their lives.

The hardest thing for me?  That would be things like grad school, or moving back to America from Japan.  Etc.  Yes, the break-ups were incredibly hard.  I remember when Mr. B and I had broken up at the end of the semester...  my laundry was piled up, and I cried all day - It was something Mr. B was more comfortable doing.  And I just couldn't do it.  I broke down.  So pathetic.  So strange to think of that back then.

But feeling shitty for months or years wouldn't equate to the other challenges in life that I had to over come.  The super duper accomplished Mr. Lawyer dude...  jobs and school are easy for him -  NOT a big deal, but break ups are hard for him...  like how it was for me and you and my ex.

A million thanks to Mr. Lawyer dude - menfolks - they're not so evil as I thought they were.  I'm going to regret not going through with this guy...  

It's Animal: Act the Woman, Act the Man

On dating, and trying to find a partner in life..  Partner is the key here right?  Some of my friends have had relationships, boy friends, husbands where the man has the total financial superiority in the relationship.  No matter how much feminism had given housework (women's work) power, in reality - it ends up not working. Can't deny the power of the bread earning.  It's not only the inequality in power, it's also the disconnect between the two people.  My mother for one had never worked her whole life and my father was the bread winner.  I saw how it did not work for my father and mother.

When we lived in America as children, I was raised just as my brothers.  When we moved to Japan, I couldn't stop hanging out and doing everything with the boys - so my parents and teachers had to school me to be more like the other girls, talk like them, stop playing sports, etc. etc.  I was jealous of my brothers, of their freedom most of my stay in Japan.  I felt horrible that all the sudden I had to become a 'girl' - which in my eyes meant less freedom, less play.  I didn't want to EVER be the subservient gender, EVER!

Where I am now - I like to play with the gender roles.  I cringe at the idea of living under my father's control or someone like my father.  To not ever have my freedom - and to ASK for things in my life.  To be afraid.

I'm always challenging the boys that I like.  Probably because I'm insecure of my own gender identity.  Playing with the gender roles - is confusing when dating.  The dude that I'm going on a date with doesn't know how to act - as a boy?  as a fem-boy?

I AM old fashioned.  I like it when a guy acts the guy and make me feel like female.  In the current workforce where women are making 72% of every dollar men makes for the same job function - I honestly can't respect a man if he can't pick up the tab.  But it's more than that.  My long time ex - Mr. B.  I really appreciated that he would pick up the tab all the time - even after 6 years of dating.  He would open doors for me, do all the gentlemanly things.  Pretty cool.  He wasn't always financially stable - we moved around a lot.  So I'd come through with rent or anything big picture so that 'we' would be okay.  It just comes down to me being an old-fashioned independent female.  I want to be able to do everything a boy does, but still be treated like a female.

Here's instructions from my female friend at first date about the tab:

• slowly reach for your wallet, make motions to pay, if he says no put your wallet away and say thank you. he pays in the beginning. it's kind of a rule. later if you keep dating then you'll take him out or pay for a wknd away. if he doesn't pay for you in the beginning or if you split it then i'd guess it is kind of casual.
• 

  4:18pm
  

  
  
  

  
  

  it's animal

  its sexual

  he's man you are woman act the part

  
  

  
  

All About Love - New Visions

by bell hooks.

well, the book is easy read.  I'm about half way through, and the first couple of chapters gave me a cringe.  Some are worth it, and had given me some things to experiment with on my daily life.

'New Vision' is probably questionable.  I'm not sure if anything that she's proposing is new.  A vision for sure, optimist, yes.

Can't Trust Emotions

I had been crying, almost daily for the last two months.  The best one was on an 8 mile run.  It was the day after I ran 14 miles for the Oakland Marathon practice run.  Childhood memories and emotions welled up - and I was balling, even almost whimpering as I ran around [lake] Merritt.  I was thinking about my father mostly - the haunting figure in my life for the past years.  I tweeted - 8 miles of confusion.  Adrenaline?

I cried this morning again.  Sitting at my desk, staring at my computer.  - Nope, I'm not depressed.  I'm just confused.  Pretty happy with my life - unsettling feeling of standing on a level landing, half way to the top, but forgotten where the top is.  Ready for a change.

I am studying men folks.  Besides what came with my life - my older brother, younger brother, father and grand father, my current life had been bleak.  No men in my life.  Because 35 year old brain loves risk taking and experiences that is new and scary - I wanted to jump into the dating scene.  It's been interesting, and now I'm perched on a landing.

Yesterday this guy told me that he had broken up with this girl that he was dating.  The details are a little gross.  I had initially thought she was 19.  But she's actually 18.  She wanted to sleep with him - really badly, I guess.  So he (39 year old) did.  He said that he had immediately fallen in love with her.  I roll my eyes at this.  He was crushed, when after two weeks of courtship, the relationship had ended.

My 35 year old female brain can't validate a 2 week courtship as anything more than 'dating', and the 'love' that he felt as anything more than a physical desire.  Why do I feel this way?  My 35 year old female heart takes a long time to get over disappointments and pain from relationships - and its this pain that leads me to decide to take a different course of action in the future.  I am not sure if that is something that would happen here with him.

I just don't think we're speaking the same language.  What I learned here:  I guess this is how some menfolks work - they fall in 'love' after sex.  My brain computes the whole package of the man including: us-future-ness.  The whole package contributes to the man's attractiveness - and would then decide to or not to get involved.  I kind of expect the man to hold up his bargain, but that can't be counted on.  They can be foolish and want a 'relationship' doomed for failure.  Like a 39 year old dating an 18 year old.  Burden is on the girl to cut the tie, the bull shit.

I'm reviving this blog

5 years later - I stand at the same place again.